Alfie Bell is supposed to be my past. But he’s left me bleeding all over again.
Something I always enjoy about an Alexis Hall book is the way he explores complicated and nuanced topics and weaves them into sweet love stories. And I think this may be my new favorite of the books I’ve read from him. It’s definitely my new favorite of the Spires series. This book explores a wide range of topics, like the meaning of home, grief, forgiveness, the idea of masculinity, and queerness in a heteronormative world. It’ll make you think and question things and it will also make you fall in love with Alfie and Fen as they stumble their way to a HEA.
“Sometimes I think that’s all love is. Understanding, smoothing away your strangeness. Making you part of the world, not separate from it.”
Alfie Bell grew up in an environment where there was a very specific set of rules for what it meant to be a man. As an adult, when he finally figured out he was gay, he struggled to reconcile his queerness with the idea of what a man should be. This notion is challenged even further when he returns to his hometown and meets Fen, who is unapologetically queer and more courageous than Alfie could ever hope to be. It was interesting seeing Alfie navigate falling for someone like Fen in the town that taught him everything Fen represented was wrong. A task that was made even more complicated by the fact that Fen turned out to be the boy Alfie and his friends bulled back in school.
“You going to fall in love with me, Alfie Bell?”
“I dunno. But keep me around long enough, come to dinner with me, sleep with me, laugh with me, and cry on my shoulder when you need to, and I don’t see why not.”
Alfie was determined to prove to Fen that he had changed since then and earn his forgiveness. And it was oftentimes messy and he made plenty of mistakes along the way. But even as he screwed things up over and over, I wasn’t frustrated with him, I was more sad than anything. Sad that things were so mixed up in his head about what he wanted to be and who he thought he should be. Letting go of all that internalized homophobia is not an easy task. Fen saw the good in him though and was largely understanding, even when it was hard to be. They were both kind of broken boys but I loved seeing them find healing and forgiveness and, of course, love, along the way.
The story is way more nuanced and complicated than I’m able to articulate but perhaps that’s good and what I’ve written will intrigue you enough to want to pick up the book and take this journey alongside Alfie and Fen. It’s worth the ride.
“It can be one of the most difficult things in the world, I think. To accept yourself.”
The Book Boyfriend Addict 